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Inspired Teen Therapy

It’s Not My Journey: A Mother Gives Her Child the Freedom and Boundaries to Explore and Desist From a Transgender Identity

February 9, 2018 by D. Houston 19 Comments

This post was written by D. Houston (a pen name). She is the parent of a brilliant and creative client in my private practice and D describes herself this way:

Mom to two kids, one on the spectrum. I’ve been home with them since they’ve been born. Homeschool teacher for 5 years. Butcher, baker, some time candlestick maker. World traveler. Truth seeker.

“Mom, I think I am trans…” There are a lot of scenarios parents consider and mull over, but I suspect almost no one preps for this one.   My child was almost 16 when those words were spoken, seemingly out of nowhere one day. My gut reaction was intense—I know what it means when people describe your blood running cold. I had to sit down. I needed to collect myself. Since my child is on the Autism spectrum, clear communication and understanding can be challenging. We frequently discuss the same topic several times in several ways to ensure understanding between us.   I had the presence of mind to keep my mouth (mostly) shut though as my mind reeled. I began to ask questions and I listened and tried to detach myself from the voice inside that was screaming, “WTF?! Where is this coming from? You, who at age five gave yourself a severe pixie cut to get rid of your curls, but then cried each time an adult mistook you for a little boy until we finally got your ears pierced so that it would stop happening? The same little girl at age seven who would not wear khaki pants because that was the color your brother wore. The same child at age 10 wanted to know when she could wear makeup. ??!!?”

But this wasn’t about me; it was about what was going on in in my child’s head. My child was reaching out to me, the parent, sworn enemy of many a teen, trusting me to bear witness to this most vulnerable piece of herself. And if I were smart, by nurturing and cultivating this dialog between us, I would be able to act as a sounding board instead of the echo chamber her teen peers would surely be.

There is language available today that was not available when I was a kid, but it doesn’t make the adolescent experience of embracing one’s identity any different. When I was a teen, I cut my hair and changed the style of my dress to suit how I felt at the moment. I didn’t question my gender literally, but figuratively as a girl growing up in the 80s, I certainly tested the boundaries for what was acceptable for a “young lady.” My parents never questioned much nor curtailed my choices. So when it came to my own child, as far as superficial things, I did not stand in the way of change.

My child had chosen to cut her hair very short awhile before this announcement for both practical and aesthetic reasons. Before that drastic cut, I asked her to wait six months, and if she was still sure, then why not? It’s only hair and not my hair either.

We purchased more gender neutral clothing, clothing that made my child more comfortable. When school came around and choir uniforms were being fitted, my child asked permission not to wear the customary dress, but to have a tuxedo instead. The choir directors agreed. So we purchased a tuxedo that was more flattering than the borrowed ones, and my child was able to wear it to prom as well. They are only clothes and not my clothes either.

Did I love all of these superficial changes? No. Did it make me cringe inwardly at times? Certainly.   As a parent, it can be doubly hard to see things happening that we may not like or approve: 1) we reflect our younger selves onto our kids, remembering or reliving these same life scenarios, and we may hope to steer to them to avoid the same mistakes we made, or maybe to do it better this time around and these changes can derail that; 2) we also feel them reflected onto us, that how they look or behave is a product of our parenting, and we may feel ashamed, or that we have failed in some way. Most of us teach our kids that it doesn’t matter what’s on the outside, it’s what’s on the inside that counts. My kid is still my kid on the inside.

I joke that though I am not crafty, my kids are handmade and completely from scratch. So while I feel possessive of my kids, I deeply respect that they are people in their own right. I have given them a strong foundation and framework to help shape their lives, but their choices are their own to make. I repeatedly told my child I loved and supported her on her journey, but it was not my journey and that while I would respect her decisions, I did not have to embrace every one of them either.

One decision over which I drew the line was at calling my child by a different name. I had no explanation at first, other than I just could not bring myself to do it. This was a sore subject, one that made my daughter angry. I had personally never liked my own name growing up; it was unique, always mispronounced, and never found on an obliging keyring in gift shops. My mom had always told me I could change it when I was an adult, but I never did. I had come to realize that it was a part of my identity, and I couldn’t part with it. I fully realized when I was pregnant with my daughter, and my husband and I were choosing a name, that my name wasn’t MY name, but it was my parent’s name carefully and lovingly chosen and given to me, a gift to have with me forever. I explained my feelings about my daughter’s name to her, that it was sacred to me and that if she wanted a new name, then it should be up to ME to rename her. She didn’t like that idea at all, but I think she understood why I wouldn’t call her by her new self-appointed name. I think because I had been respectful of her other decisions, she was respectful of mine. I left it up to her if she chose to ask her teacher’s to call her by her new moniker (she did), but that I would not change anything officially with the school as that was a much more complicated task, and one I wasn’t going to rush into. Since we are more informal at home, my kids are more frequently called by their silly nicknames and endearments, so we agreed those were acceptable to use. And life went on….

My biggest fear when all of this was unfolding was that because we have become so much more open and accepting as a society that everything my child said would be taken at word without discovery, and then once the talking was done, medical intervention would follow. Not to make light of the gravity I felt around this, but I likened any semi or permanent physical alterations to my example of getting a tattoo. I have one tattoo and I do not regret my tattoo. I had wanted one since I was 13, but I waited until I was 22 to get it. My kids have grown up seeing my tattoo. So, we had conversations about it, and other choices my kids would face that could alter their appearance, or their life for that matter. I always urged my kids to wait until they were well into their adult lives to see if they still really wanted those same things. So when my child was talking about binding and the possibility of surgery, I didn’t forbid her; I encouraged her to think long and hard about these choices, what they would mean not just today, but in 2, 5, 10 years.   We were able to discuss candidly the unknown long term effects of hormones, the realities of surgery and post-surgery recovery, the plain truth about what those changes might all mean practically and sexually. No one had to choose sides, and no one was under attack. In that setting, I was able to convey my reservations and concerns for any kind of immediate medical intervention and my child could express her own reservations about it all without having to blindly defend it.   It was an incredibly challenging conversation, but it also was the moment that our consanguinity shifted from parent to child, to adult parent to adult child.

I often felt shattered after these conversations. There were times after talking that I would just go straight to bed because I was so drained, or to the shower to weep so no one would hear me. There were many times early on when I didn’t feel strong enough to handle it all. Then I would ask myself if I felt like that with 40 plus years of life experience, how much worse was my child’s anguish? As a mother, wouldn’t I do anything to ease my child’s pain? No one wants to struggle. No one would choose to be this conflicted. No one wants to be ostracized. By inviting me into this part of her life, maybe my child was really asking me if she could still be loved, and while I can’t do much else, love I can give.

After about 18 months along this trajectory of exploring, talking, and questioning, there was a shift. My child no longer identifies as trans because she feels that that label is too limiting. She has discovered her quandaries are about her own expression of femininity and masculinity rather than her gender and she is finding ways to express both sides. I think by reacting to my child’s choices with flexibility, it didn’t escalate into a battle of the wills. She did not have to become intractable in defense of her positions. It gave her the freedom to explore without feeling persecuted and becoming a martyr. We both learned about acceptance and tolerance. And while I certainly wouldn’t want to have to do it all over again, I do feel a certain gratitude that I was able to actively take part in such a pivotal time in my child’s life.

D Houston

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Comments

  1. Stephanie Wilson says

    February 18, 2018 at 9:09 pm

    Thank you for sharing your experience, D Houston. We are going through this same thing with our high school daughter. Describing how your conversations flowed between adults and child are helpful. You sound like a wise and loving parent, and i believe you are blessed to be a client of Sasha’s!

    Reply
  2. Janeen Schultz says

    August 13, 2018 at 2:23 am

    Thank you for sharing your story, I feel like i was reading my own story ! You have given me hope! My child is only 14 , it’s been about 1year since she started this journey ! I’m still searching for a way to help her through this ! She was in counseling but the counslor and he felt she was don’t better and didn’t Ned any more support ! The Pedeitrition Recamended a psychologist who terribly failed! My gut feeling is that there is something deepe going o that she feels the need to be someone els so suddenly! I do believe she is on the spectrum but not identified, she was identified with speech and language disabity and did amazing with the support that sh doesn’t require much support in school ! I just wanted you to know that your story has helps me and gives me hope that this will work out in the end !

    Reply
    • Sasha says

      August 21, 2018 at 1:33 pm

      Hi Janeen,

      Yes, this parent has done an incredible job supporting her daughter through all of this. I wish you and your family the best! You may want to look at my new post on the Big Five personality traits and how you can use that framework to help your daughter. Good luck,

      Sasha

      Reply
      • Cathryn says

        September 29, 2018 at 10:43 pm

        Thank you so much for sharing this. My 12 year old ASD daughter announced a few months ago that she was gay (no problem), then non-binary (had to look that one up), then transgender (WTF!). We have said yes to new name (which is her name as an artist, so to me more about artistic expression than gender), clothing, hair cut. We have said no to binding (although I believe she buys bras that are a smaller size than needed, so she is sort-of binding in that way). Also no to pronoun change (Sasha – can you comment on pronoun change? Is it a step too far in your view). I feel lost and terrified to say or do the wrong thing that will entrench her position all the more. She has always been very feminine (more so than me). The psychologist seems to be going around in circles with her. Sadly, she now hates her singing voice, which has always been a source of joy to her because she hates “not sounding like a guy”. Honestly, I have no idea where or how to start moving things to a better footing with her. I know we need to talk about it, to give her the freedom to express herself, but I don’t even know where to start. I am concerned that anything I agree to (new hair, new name) will affirm her new identity (which I do not believe is her true identity), and anything I say no to (male pronouns, hormones) will only entrench her position more that she needs a sex change and hormones right now! I feel lost and can’t imagine how she must be feeling. When I say no (eg male pronoun) and she asks why, I have no answer other than my mind screaming “I don’t want to loose you my precious child”.

        Reply
        • Louise says

          July 29, 2021 at 4:24 am

          I can relate so much to this experience—in almost an identical way…both in the experience my child is having (her “trajectory”, as it were) and in my response to it all. I see that it was written in 2018 and wonder how you/she have fared since then, including what you decided to do about the pronouns. My daughter is 11 and all of this is happening NOW. Thanks and all the best.

          Reply
      • Rebecca says

        May 14, 2019 at 11:39 am

        My daughter hid the trans thing from me until she left for college. I found it on her Instagram page.
        I am trying to be some what supportive without calling her by her name she has taken on at school.
        I constantly send her articles of facts and detransitioners.
        I don’t know how we got to this place really.
        She dorms with 2 non binary kids at school. I feel like I should not send her back there. But if I don’t, then what?

        Reply
  3. Mary says

    September 22, 2018 at 2:43 am

    Thank you for sharing your story. I wish my daughter and I could get to a place where you are. What puzzles me is the similarity between the stories, to the detail of asking for a tuxedo in choir and for a prom. Is there “a script” that these kids follow? I don’t know what to think.

    Reply
    • Staci says

      January 3, 2019 at 7:53 pm

      I am wondering the same thing- our 14 yr old daughter ordered a tuxedo for choir performances and she deliberately strains her voice attempting to lower her singing and speaking vocal range.

      Reply
  4. D Golden says

    September 25, 2018 at 7:28 pm

    Ah, the name! How perfectly you’ve described the effort of the gift of a name. I will consider your experience when the next issue for my eleven year old daughter emerges. Yes – 11. Thanks.

    Reply
  5. Michelle Villmer says

    October 9, 2018 at 12:23 am

    I can relate to just about everything here. We are going on about 17 months with my 15 year old daughter. We do not use her “other name” either and most often revert to nicknames because we just do…we did that with our older son too. I really feel my daughter will come out of this and though she may never be the headband loving, makeup wearing, pink, glitter and stuffed animal loving gal she used to be I feel she will mature enough to see the harm done when damage to the body occurs. She HAS stopped wearing the binder and we have a good relationship and a therapist who has reinforced the fact that these decisions are best made as an adult and mid 20s in her opinion.

    Reply
  6. Rosey L. says

    October 15, 2018 at 8:15 pm

    I am so grateful to have found this site. D. Houston’s essay is the first thing I’ve read and it affirms to me that I’ve come to the right place for help.
    Shortly before school started, and after months of begging to cut her long hair very short, I took my 14 year old daughter to the salon. I *really* didn’t like the “boy cut” but her features are so feminine that she still looked pretty, so I took it in stride. But then, last week, my daughter’s high school counselor and a school Social Worker met with us to “provide a safe space” for her to reveal that she believes she’s transgendered, that she’s instructed friends and teachers call her by a male name, that she ordered a Choir tux rather than a gown, and that she is planning to medically transition in the future.
    There was no discussion about any possibility that she might change her mind. My husband and I said little and remained calm throughout the meeting. We both felt pressured, stereotyped, and even threatened, in a passive-aggressive way. We were told it may take us a while to get used to the change- what an understatement!!! They sent us home with a flyer for a parent support group for trans teens. The notion that our daughter may be going through a phase was wholly dismissed. We were TOLD that she IS transgendered.
    I will continue to lean on this site for information and support as we maneuver our way through this lonely, difficult time. My first action will be to order some photo books featuring family trips and milestones. I’ve been meaning to do that, anyway- now with an added purpose.
    Thank you.

    Reply
  7. Victoria says

    December 5, 2018 at 7:23 pm

    Thank you for sharing. I wish we had the time with our 19 year old daughter to build this kind of trust and have this kind a dialogue. She declared she was trans in September seemingly out of nowhere and immediately withdrew from us and the rest of her family. Her university health care system, after a few visits with her in the past two months, has already started her on hormones. She wants to have “top” surgery next, also via the school health plan. If we pay her tuition, we are not only tacitly agreeing to her transitioning, we are financing it. The last thing we want is a battle of wills. We have asked her merely to wait till graduation to pursue this (2 years away). But paying her tuition means paying for her to transition. The University won’t even speak to us. All communications we send to them are forwarded to our daughter. We seem to have the choice of paying her tuition and watching her transition or not paying her tuition and having her cut us out of her life, which is what she threatens to do. We lose either way.

    Reply
    • Meg says

      April 30, 2019 at 5:25 pm

      The situation with my daughter is similar to yours. She has gone to the university for therapist appointments, and although the therapy has made attempts to address her anxiety, it has increased her determination to transition. We have experienced some extremely intense conversations that are encouraged by her therapist, which include the use of proper pronouns and transition drugs. Like you I feel slammed by the university, and although my daughter has told me she has stopped going to therapy because she cannot act yet on their advise, there is the possibility her dysphoria will bring her back to the same place. It is the most difficult time I have experienced with my child/young adult, but I will continue to be there-unwavering- every step of the way. Why is it that the choice for physical health and no-body harm/mutilation is the wrong choice?!! Why is it that the medical community almost immediately supports the use of drugs which may irreversibly damage the body? I am so frustrated that there is not more support for treating the dysphoria and healing of the person.

      Reply
  8. Mom who loves herkids says

    January 7, 2019 at 12:24 am

    Victoria…. I feel your pain. My daughter also began hormones at age 19 from an informed consent clinic. I tried desperately to get her to slow down and get some therapy first but to no avail. Luckily she is still in my home and we do have a loving relationship so I can and do in a very round about way discuss gender with her. I hope and pray every day that she can learn to love herself without hormones and surgery one day. Until then I will keep loving her and try to get her to focus on truly empowering things like school a career and self love

    Reply
  9. Frustrated mom says

    April 13, 2019 at 6:34 pm

    Victoria….. I completely feel your pain. My child came out as trans at 18 and accessed informed consent clinic at 19 and was quickly put on testosterone. I believe the young adults are THE most vulnerable group for getting sucked into something they may very well come to regret in a few years time. I wish I would have found help earlier from therapists that didn’t just affirm all these feelings . All the places I turned to help my child slow down and just look at all aspects of transitioning actually made things worse. I feel the one therapist was actually making our relationship worse. We were always so close. I have worked very hard to reestablish our relationship. I have had to learn to live with my child’s transition. That doesn’t mean I have to agree that it was the right thing. I wish more therapists would wake up and see that these young adults need to slow down and carefully weigh the pros and cons!

    Reply
  10. Monica S says

    July 30, 2019 at 1:21 am

    What an incredible way with words you have. I feel as if your story could be my own. Our 14 year old incredibly talented daughter (both singing and acting) came out in nearly the same fashion. Almost immediately, out of the blue, decided she could not wear the choir gown and opted for the tux. She is now transgendered and we are at a loss for words. Our response thus far has been similar, sit back, provide scaffolding and support. Love unconditionally and remember that the heart is unchanged. We believe this will all work out in the end but it is the middle part, the crying in the shower part, the mastering the poker face part, the react only on the inside part that has us tripping over ourselves. I will try harder to be flexible, to remain open to possibilities and remember that I am the adult. In gratitude – M

    Reply
  11. Rachel says

    November 1, 2019 at 4:22 pm

    Thank you for this article. It gives me hope. My 13-year-old ASD daughter “came out” to us the same week she made a non-binary friend six months ago. We have been through 6 therapists since then, trying to find one who doesn’t jump straight to affirmation. Through lots of research (and prayer) we have adopted the same response as many parents here–yes to haircuts and clothes, no to name and pronoun change (except at school, where we have little control), no to hormones or binders (we allowed a binder for two months at the advice of a therapist, but when her back hurt so bad that she couldn’t do her chores, we threw it away). We are hoping that by helping her explore other interests and become more confident with herself, she will eventually realize that she doesn’t need to change her gender identity to feel comfortable with herself.

    Reply
  12. Kristina Reilly says

    March 17, 2020 at 10:22 pm

    I am so grateful to all of you for your stories. My daughter is 13 and came to us a few years back saying she wanted to transition to a boy. We were mortified. Our family , friends, and church dont know. We do have support groups we are involved with. She is a straight A student now failing in some courses. We have a 504 plan approved to help with classes. We have found 2 therapists who are helping. Meghan start cutting and has been on medication for 3 months now for depression. We refuse to call her by her other name Max or he. However, her teachers call her by that. In several meetings they said it would be best to call her Max and we said not in our house. One counselor at school gave me a parenting book. REALLY? They dont know how to address this or help, they only think they do. Thank you again for sharing.

    Reply
  13. Maggi says

    September 29, 2020 at 1:59 pm

    Hi, is there any way to find good therapists who treat the person as a whole rather than jump straight to hormones. I have a 15 yr old son who came out as Pan, then non binary and recently as transgender.

    Reply

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